Each morning and evening, when I am in the train on my way home, different scenarios from the past flash through my mind, especially when the train passes by any familiar place. I do agree that this sounds way too cliched, but it really does happen to me. It's even worse if I plug in to my MP3 and a familiar song plays. Just sort of gets the whole emo Von going on full force.

Not that I'm not ALREADY helluva emo person in NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES. Sigh. You should be able to imagine how bad it gets.

Infact, I can't think of a time I don't get emotional. An example would be while walking in a supermart, my mind drifts off from the intended agenda of buying food stuffs when a familiar tune is played over the mart's system.

The picture is irrelevant to what I'm blogging about, but, just to digress abit (well, alot actually). Today's our 9th month together. The picture was taken yesterday f.y.i. It wasn't exactly a pleasant date because I flared up at him again. I wasn't sure then what the trigger point was... not that I know now, but yesterday I wasn't exactly in a very good mood. Friday was a great day spent out with some good pals.. slacking, eating, movie and lots of catching up. But somehow yesterday (Sat) I felt a little shitty. There was some shit to clear at work, but that's okay, work is rather fine to me now and I do know that every job has some shit somehow. I visited grandparents, attended piano class, and met ZQ. Nothing major to upset my day but sometimes I guess you'll just feel moody.

And just the slightless, SLIGHTEST thing pisses you off.

And in this instance, ZQ being tired, and us having to go home early because of his school stuffs. I was okay, then I was not, and I was fine again, and then I got unhappy. Sometimes I don't even understand what on earth is wrong with me.

If I'm really such a matured and understanding girl it probably won't bother me so much. But I childishly wish he didn't have all the school shit and he could hover around me like a damn fly.

I know how tired he is from his school and project and assignments and what have you, but I still throw a fit.

I do agree that I'm one lousy girlfriend.

I understand the thing about compromise, give and take. Understanding and actually practicing it are two separate things. At times, I just refuse to accept that he's also human and he gets tired too!

What is wrong with me!?!

And I get angry just about as fast as a guy gets an erection. If my boyfriend looks dead and sleepy and misses what I'm saying, on good days I get slightly irritated but on horrid days, I get so darn upset nothing else he says will please me anymore.

Well maybe I'm just a freak who enjoys making things difficult for him.

I wonder how the rest of the girlfriends in the world behave. Someone tell me, please? Krist told me off for my unacceptable behavior... it's not like as if ZQ is out to have fun and throws me aside... and I should just TRY TO UNDERSTAND!!

God damn it. It's my fault... all my fault.

I've hardly changed all these years. I wish I wasn't like this.

When as a kid I was NEVER important. everything is about my brothers... the big thing about SONS OVER DAUGHTERS. WTF. While my brothers were the apple of everyone's eyes, I was the one getting the least attention and priority for anything... And till today I still feel that when I speak no one really gives much of a damn.

Is it that I am so redundant?? My brothers contribute the least but everything is about them. When I was younger I was totally plagued with jealousy and unhappiness but now I've already gotten used to it, like, it's the way things are. But over the years, I hope I'm right, that my parents start to give me just alittle more attention. I hope I'm right, that they finally acknowledge what I do and all.

As a kid I told myself in consolation that I'll find myself a boyfriend next time will treat me like a princess... to make up for all the lost attention all the years. I want to finally be important to someone and my boyfriend seems like the best candicate to deliver this job of pampering me.

My thinking and behavior just sucks, and there are probably 236,576,700 better girls out there that ZQ deserve... girls who are so demure, so caring, understanding and so much prettier (though that isn't exactly SO important).

I may complain about EVERYTHING about him but have I reflected on my own actions?

I am just a selfish person who takes and takes without giving.

I must really change. These are the times I feel I'm such a lousy person I wish I was dead.

This is a horrible entry.

For the rest of the Sunday, I'll go out of the house for a breather and hope I'll feel better afterwards.

SIGH. At the rate I'm going and the thoughts that I think, how to really be happy?