Thursday, May 15, 2008

I found my keys early this week. You would've recalled how upset I was losing the big bunch with all the sentimental keychains.

I wasn't actually the one who found them but Mum... all 4 keys bunched together, 2/6 keychains found separately.

Instantly, I remembered my crazy efforts to trace its whereabouts. Calling and visiting places with much hope each time to recover the keys that I was so certain I've dropped them outside. Though a voice my head told me that I should be prepared that I'll never find them anyway... and I was just doing those things to feel better.

I made a new set, and as time went by, I soon forgot about it. Well, I would be lying if I said that I totally forgot about my old keys. Infact, each time I pick up my new keys to open or lock my door I WILL still miss the old and noisy bunch... it is strange. But being the nostalgic person I am I never forget old memories. Sorry to say but this is me.

However, I knew they're gone forever.

3 months later I realised that this treasured bunch of 'lost keys' had always been at home. But I had turned the house upside down before asking ZQ to check his place and then proceeded to hunt outdoors. I was SURE the bunch was not at home.

I felt like a fool.

Maybe it's heaven's will to finally let me recover the keys in such a way in order to highlight his character.

We already know too many ugly things that he has done so this did not come as a huge shock, but of course, my impression of him dipped further.

Not that my impression of him was any good, all these years.

People say, the truth hurts. It does. But this time the truth brings with it no only hurt but disappointment, anger, confusion and sadness all at the very same time.

But I guess I won't really have the chance to know why he did that.

If you are smart, you would've guessed who I'm refering to. It is so unfortunate that the truth comes to me now only in this stage. I am sure that his ill intentions conquer the positive ones and the thought of his scheming behavior scares me and pushes me further and further away from him .




I held on to my keys and two of the keychains, and many thoughts ran through my head. Just really wonder why, sometimes?

I must be honest that this hurts me quite a bit that I'm leaving this 'broken' set of keys aside. Because I know that if I hooped the keychains back and use them the bad thoughts will disturb me forever.

A few days later from recovering the keys, I'm still bothered. They're now on my table and I intend to put them out of sight...

How I wish that every Dad is as wonderful as those we draw in Kindergarden - A nice house with fence, a bright sun, smiley Mum, Dad and a child (me) who look geniunely carefree and happy.

But the reality is definitely otherwise...

Right now, I will find it even more difficult to ease the roughness of our relationshop.

Over the years, I've learn to accept him because no matter what he is my father, and nothing is going to change that. But too many things happened and everyone is almost giving up. Doing things for him became just doing to fufil our duties.

But at least, I know I did them. I really tried no matter how I could not bring myself to. But heavy sacrifices, no, I must say, because I really do not love him as much as how the rest of you would love your Dads. There is always a wall between us. I really can't. I tried and hoped and dreamed that maybe one day we would be all happy and close but it failed. Miserably. And things that went downhill never went up. Times of sit down dinners when everyone was quiet I felt it was the ONLY time that could be considered decent... I tried to indulge in that, tried to have that satisfy my greatest hopes but everything was so temporary.

At least for me, I am confident to say that at least 60% of the things I did for him on a daily basis I put in my true care and concern. Because I felt the need to do my part. I felt guilty after times I shouted at him or ignored him and I felt sad when I saw how he was deteriorating.

I love but I hate him too. It is a difficult struggle for me to fix my emotions towards him and I know I will have this struggle for life...