Thursday, September 28, 2006

Would I need to change jobs until I finally settle down? Having a job and having a career are two separate issues. Job = Routine. Career = Routine + passion + willingness.

Indeed, I haven't really been happy in any job yet; this morning Huijuan was telling me that she's NEVER been happy in all the jobs she's ever had. This is commonly faced by young people. 22, an age that's neither here nor there. I don't deny that there are some who've found "the job". They are lucky and sadly I haven't reached that stage, or have I not tried hard enough? But I guess God made how life will begin, progress and end in many, many different variations. Mine is quite sucky in my point of view. But it could be better, could be worse.

Why don't I convince myself that life could've been worse? That will be a good way to feel more contented.

We often see in the papers and magazines - articles telling us to focus on happier things in life. I am trying to do that, because each day passes just like this. Very quickly, as a matter of fact. This morning in the shower I was AGAIN wondering what happens if I drop dead one day.

I am psychotic sometimes.

But I feel better today after having a full day to myself yesterday; my soul left my body for a holiday. (It is true, you must believe). All I can say is it is good at times to quit thinking about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING and just relax.

It is 70+ days before the conference in December happens and ends. I am seriously not confident of being converted to a permanent staff; my inner fire was dead the moment I was sort of told off some weeks ago. I still am unable to feel any job security to date, or to know if this is the job I want. The language part is a huge barrier. People tell me that if I was really keen for the position I would feel great motivation to kinda like, learn Chinese? Not that I'm Chinese-illiterate, I’m just considered pretty bad at it in the China people's terms. Yes. It is China-Chinese and not Singapore-Chinese. It makes a stark difference. I do not know the reason for still getting hourly paid after 3 months plus of working.... oh it'll be 4 months soon. THIS LOW PAY IS DRIVING ME NUTS! It is either:

1) I'm extremely incompetent (maybe)
2) Our director (currently in US) is not back and no one can make any decision (duh)
3) They wanna keep costs low (bitch)

And the list goes on, but I bet the reason sucks.

And I hate debating this issue with ZQ because, it sucks.

Maybe I should just hold on until the conference finishes. I'm already in the preparation part, it is kind of like a WASTE to leave everything now. Some nights I dream that I would get sacked before I know it.

Then comes all the crap from grown ups. Like,

"WHY YOU QUIT AGAIN?????? THIS IS A BIG COMPANY WITH SO MANY PROSPECTS!!!!!!"

Fuck it la. I'm easily affected by comments and remarks and statements and I wish they'd shut up and I'd buck up.

But too bad, I'm like this. If all humans were perfect it would've been boring.

And creepy. Think toy factory's doll section where identical dolls and the same creepy smile are manufactured.

I wish to enjoy Saturday now. I can't work. My thoughts are running very very wild, and I am craving for egg mayo.