Sunday, September 10, 2006

This is a much talked about thing.

Are you doing what you really like in life now?

Even if you don't, sometimes it seems, you don't have much of a choice. Sometimes I wake up, thinking why I'm going to work and what I am actually fighting for.

I told ZQ how I feel I'm a weird person. My thinking is just twisted sometimes. Sometimes I feel like as if I'm floating, like, the world around dims and fades and I'm looking at it from one point and it seems meaningless...sometimes I read my love novels and wished life was just as simple, romantic or exciting as what's written. I think and dream and think and dream over and over again. Which is what some people call wasting time or wasting life, but I am like this.

I wished I was doing something I love. In terms of my occupation. Probably the things that I am grateful to be able to pursue freely now is that I can be with my family that I love and that I can date somebody I am starting to love. Sometimes I think that if I had an occupation I love life would be complete. But I know that I am wrong for it is hard for humans to feel contented. Like what granny says. You can reach one stage but will still think that you can go higher or get better. You can earn $500 an feel rich and $5000 but wished you earned more.

Why does life have to be like this? We are actually counting down to our death date. For it is the eventual ending (if you haven't realised). For life will eventually end. Whether you are good or bad, it will still end. We have to work hard and earn money so we can make our life better before it ends. Because, without the money, there are many things you can't fufil. I guess we all know this fact too well. It is a much debated topic and I shall not say more.

My baby gave me another surprise yesterday. I once mentioned to him that I missed one issue of the SHAPE magazine (I have never missed any since their debut). It was just a casual comment I made but he remembered; he emailed SPH to ask how he could buy it and he did, also with the help of another friend. When he passed it to me, I was so surprised. Didn't expect it at all. I really appreciate all these little gestures...it makes me feel so important.

This is one guy who cares for all the details. Afterall, that was how I first got attracted to him.

What I share with ZQ now, I fear may not last forever; after what has happened in the past year each time something nice happenes I also feel frightened at the same time. What if, what if the ending is the same? What if all things nice means that bad things follow? That could be the reason why I still hold back my feelings. But, it is true romantic times never last. You need to work on it. I recently read from the papers: "Falling in love is such a small part of a long-term relationship and tends to blind us to the difference in each other".

It will be 2 months for me and ZQ soon, we have had many sweet times together but yesterday for a brief moment when I looked into his eyes,I felt something that I haven't felt for such a long time. Not sure how to describe it. Not at all. I'm happy to have known him and realise what is real care and concern again.

From day one, ZQ says that all he wants is for me to be happy. He's a simple and happy-go-lucky guy. Under his influence I have become happier and stopped all my night life. I may still give in to my occasional liquor cravings now and then, but I know, no more of that complicated life. Life is so much more in balance now and I hope it goes on this way. 2005 was quite a big mistake for me but it is never too late to regret and go the right way. As the saying goes (again and again), better late than never.

I blame myself for trying too hard to think that me and LKY would work out; for not listening to people around me, for behaving like as if I could'nt live without him. The recent conversation I had with Shenny proved that LKY has (yes HAS, not HAD) got some psychological problems. When with him, he always had alot of "great lessons" and "morals", but he is nothing but a confused individual himself. I am happy that he is out of my life.

Enough of the past, this entry has gotten too long. Well, It's Monday again tomorrow, I'm a try to make life a little more interesting. Limited capital, choice and roads to take, but I'll TRY. Have a good week ahead folks. And I miss ZQ.