Friday, July 27, 2007

Sometimes, I wish I had the ability to move out.

What a familiar statement!

Most of us would've had such a thought at some points of our lives... maybe on impulse, at the point of a heated quarrel with our family, or simply just wanting to get out and live your own life suddenly, to have zero restrictions and really experience something new.

Other times however, we would've felt relieved that the thought didn't actually come true, and that we are still staying with our family. You know, it's just the confusing kind of thing. Quarrels make you wanna leave, sweet happy times with your loved ones make you want to stay.

Years of nonsense created I went through had driven me nuts then, and by now, it is more that I am used to it rather than crazily upset. But I must admit, despite accepting the shitty life that I will be living until the day he is gone, or till the day I'M gone, there are certainly times whereby I still want to break free.

Alas, I have no ability to do so.

I really had enough. I cannot believe that his behavior is like this. Although I do what I should do as a child to a parent, but I think back, did he really do his part all these years? I can't forget all the things he did to me. I shall also be fair to think of all the things he did FOR me, but it is really such a minority. Most importantly, Daughters are useless to him and he sent that message across to me clearer than anyone else in this world would.

But too bad that without him, I wouldn't even be here saying all this. I, as the child, am indebted to him FOR LIFE because HE gave MY LIFE to me.

Sigh, just too bad.

Frankly, I envy alot of people around me, those who are truly happy. Their lives may not be perfect so how do they do it? People tell me it's how you choose to live your life. But of these people who give angelic advise like that, how many of them actually have a SHITTY BACKGROUND? Enough said - the truth is, THINGS ARE EASIER SAID THAN DONE. There was this time I wanted to punch the hospital people when they AGAIN offered angelic shit, sorry to say but I can't really accept what they say - about how beautiful the world is and all the good side of things. But face it, there is good AND bad.

Those aside, back to my main shit, wanting to leave and all. Am trying hard now. Besides, it's mostly about the money. I need to save harder. but it doesn't mean that moving out makes him NOT my Dad anymore. Is moving out a solution to the problem?

And I really don't know how to end today's entry. Pardon me, okay?