Wednesday, September 03, 2008

My life is getting so damn boring and I'm bemused at how I can just accept that without doing anything (much). Mentally, I have a list of things I want to achieve and attain within the next 2 years and everything's estimated to cost up to about 12K. Having said that, I won't even know if I would really be happier than I am now, after accomplishing those things? anyhow I guess the top reason (for most of us too), for not doing certain things, is because we cannot afford to!

Life is hard and pay is stagnant!

Recently I haven't been doing very interesting things, and I can't even complete a book properly. Everything just feels so boring and, boring.

We've all probably already achieved quite a fair bit in many aspects, since the time we graduated. But those 'achievements' have somehow become insignificant, because our views and expectations moved to higher levels along the way. You thought you would be so happy with $1.8K a month but that amount seems increasingly pathetic. You thought you would be satisfied with a $39.90 handbag but suddenly carrying that bag feels 'lacking'. I still remember how happy I was with just $50 a week some years back, what happened now?

I am totally (half) a victim of materialisim, and if I have to become some devote fella with great virtues and values and what have you (not be tempted by material goods.... etc etc), I'm so definitely gonna fail miserably. I'm not an extremist when it comes to material stuff but still I am a victim!

But like I was telling the girls the other night, if one has to die, why not die with a Prada on one hand?

YES, that is totally a loserish thing to say, but let's just say to die holding the Prada and also have led an awesome life, basically, a good and upright happy life with luxuries too! I'm not saying just a Prada will make me happy. I need life's balance, too.

He stared hard at me with his eyes. I could him see holding a knife on each hand. I cannot remember if he was saying or trying to say anything. There was only me and him and suddenly, one of the knives was pointed in my direction and without warning, jerked towards me. I clearly remember his traumatized face that was visibly also mixed with intense anger as he attacked me. I had nowhere to escape when the knife came quickly towards me, and before I was killed I was wide awake with a loud gasp and a violently pounding heart...

This scenario, I strongly believe, was Dad's way of telling me how trapped he feels over the last 5 months. But what else can we do now? I really, really don't know and it bothers me so much each time I see him.

Instead, what I found online...

"Almost everyone has experienced one or more dreams that contain anxiety or outright fear. For some, unpleasant dreams or nightmares recur repeatedly; for others, the content may change while the theme remains the same, such as scenes of falling, or of being pursued or attacked, late or unprepared for a presentation or an exam, stuck in slow motion, unable to move or scream, or naked in public, to name a few common themes. This type of experience, when unpleasant, is usually associated with lack of progress by the dreamer to recognize and solve related conflicts in life. "

So true, isn't it?

Many many months or maybe a year back, I remember dreaming of my tortoise being 10 times it's size and chasing me very quickly, with teeth like that of Jaws... it was VERY SCARY.

I suddenly also remember Dad's dream (during his 'better' days), of my maternal grandpa, who lost one of his leg due to complications from diabetes and shortly, passed away, that he needs a wheelchair so that getting around 'down there' would be more convenient.

Problem is, Dad at that point of time didn't even know of my maternal Grandpa's limp amputation. So he DID dream of my maternal Grandpa. Really creepy...

And as for me, why are my dreams always so strange? What messages are dreams trying to drive across? I can't remember the last time I had a 'sweet dream', despite tonnes of my friends ending our msn conversations with a 'Good night' and 'Sweet dreams'.

Sigh.