Thursday, January 25, 2007

I can't sleep.

And previously, I mentioned that even though I'm not working now I climb into bed at about 12am everyday, but, I am wide awake tonight (just like the other night when I was suicidal).

Not quite sure why. Supposed to be tired; was out early in the morning for an interview and then lunch with jean and shanice, followed by another interview, then abit of roaming around in town before meeting ZQ at Jurong. By the time I met ZQ in the late evening, I was damn tired.

Oh, could it be the Teh-Chino I had just now? WTF. Must be la. Suddenly remember that I had it earlier. But how come ZQ had it too and he's sleeping like an oinkz now?

Spent about 45-mins tossing and turning like a piece of prata being cooked, a futile attempt to sleep. Then, I had my MP3 on, hoping my selection of FEEEELING songs would allow me to catch some snooze but that failed too! Ever read an article advising folks to get out of bed if there's trouble snoozing and go do something (e.g. reading) till the natural fatigue comes in.

So I did just that. I picked up my novel, finished one chapter, but I was still damn awake. Dumped the book aside, went to make green tea, then, on the com (again) and blogged (now). Oh shit, green tea, tea again, I forgot... will it make me more awake??

Have my fav Hacken Lee and Alam Tam concert VCD on now. Mouthing their fabulous singing. But not sleepy. Shit, it's going to be 3-am... I told myself never to sleep so late again if I have nothing on but I am going to be sleeping THIS late.

It isn't just the Teh-Chino. I think I'm bothered by my job thingy. After some rather successful interviews, I have one or two paths to go but not really what I desire. For example, company and benefits are acceptable or even, not bad... but the job scope, well, I don't know what to say. SIGH. But because of the pressure financially and also from my family, I might have to give in. But I'm afraid of regrets and disappointment. I hate that kind of feeling. It is like, I'm so scared to agree to take any risk (risk, is the word I use to describe for the acceptance of a new job now)

I have to be honest that for all the interviews I've been to, I can't really say those are the jobs I really totally love and want to get. To the extend that, if those companies tell me I'm accepted, I don't cheer in joy but instead, have mixed feelings.

Maybe, happy to get A job.

But definitely, didn't fufill the joy of getting THE job.

The two types of happiness are very different.

But then again, what's new, tell me? How often do we get THE job? It's always A job, just a job. There's a saying that yes, those are just normal jobs, but you GAIN and LEARN on the way and build up your experience, your resume, your value. Well, that is certainly true, but maybe I just choose to focus more on finding the job that is god sent according to your needs. To be frank I do appreciate the experience gained from all my previous jobs. But I'm still fighting hard to find the joy of working in an area I LOVE. I would like to have a taste of that kind of joy, can I, will I?

Back to reality, I have a 2nd interview for this job that makes me really confused, now I worry how I should react at the 2nd interview, should I be enthusiastic, or should I present myself be so mild that the interviewers might sense and probably confirm that infact I was never DYING for the job?

Speaking of interviews, I have SO SICK of repeating the same old shit about my education and employment history and talking about myself and such. It can get damn tiring even though it is just 2 interviews a day.

Also probably because I'm getting tired of going for interviews of jobs I'm not above 80% keen in.

You might argue then, why waste my time going for those interviews in the 1st place? Here's where I will tell you again, I need the $$$ and to answer to my parents and most of all answer to myself.

Sometimes your life is not just about yourself, many other aspects to look after too. I hope everything will be in control (mainly, $$$), after I settle with a job.

In this instance I really want to find something much more suitable and settle in it. I'm getting old and the job-hopping thing won't work anymore. Those who know me well know I was never the ambitious type; just give me a job I enjoy and a decent pay and I'll be happy. I don't even ask for a big big sum or hope for a MF lavish lifestyle. My focus is my family next time and being a good homemaker. Don't laugh at my foolishness and old-fashioned mindset, but I still strongly believe that for a woman there is no need to over focus in her career, the homely thingy will still make her happier.

With a good focus at home, all good things shall follow.

Meanhwhile, please wish me luck for the job, I mean, career of mine, and soon you might be invited to my wedding.

I am working on it, especially with friends like Irene around. I don't believe that my life is made to suck or be stuck neither here nor there forever, I believe, my time will come.

Before I end this entry, two picts taken earlier due to my feeeeling-ness again:


The clouds have a lovely pattern, unfortunately this HP shot can't depict what I said. Nevertheless, nice color right?

And where we had dinner. One of my fav feelin dinner spots in CCK. Love the color of the sky att his particular hour. Certain times of a day are simply so made for lovin', I wonder, if you've noticed?


Good night and do romance hard with your better half.