Sunday, August 12, 2007

A shot taken while walking all over the place alone today.

... everyone else's future... beyond my control... be a good daughter, be a good granddaughter.

At times my heart is crying but I can't cry out.

How should I be, to be the right person? Is there something called an absolutely 'right' person, in other words, perfect?

How to live my life, and how will my life be?

Could my mind please stop being responsible for all these thoughts?

Today, I hated myself, and then, I fell in love with the same me, looking into my relfections during various parts of the day and thinking, 'I am considered QUITE a fine lady, am I not?' Things displayed in shops (things here referring to shoes, bags, clothes etc) looked similar and boring - except for the imported Japanese snacks from the new shop Yamakawa (basement of Central). Attractive biscuit packaging never fails to grasp my attention regardless of any mood I am in.

Found Chotos (one of the most tasty snack I ever tasted) there. Bought all three flavors. l used to buy from Daiso until I could see no more and fairly upset about it. Anyway I am quite jinx-ed, the stuff I like will always be out of stock or cease in production. When you least expect it, the stuff reappears.

The milk tea I bought was just out of convenience. I wasn't thirsty, I wasn't hungry, I didn't even know why I bought it. Seemed like the right thing to do, to prepare for sitting along the river? Grab a drink?

It was only when I drank a third of it that I realised I was drinking for the sake of drinking. Sigh.

It was especially crowded alongside the river today. The last time I parked myself there was with Ling, when, we were both, 'suicidal'? Sigh.

I picked a spot at a further end, made myself comfortable and tired to relax myself.



As you can see, everyone was seated along the river... one neat line... couples, young ones, older ones, whispering sweet nothings; I saw this girl lying on her guys's lap while they chatted, really sweet with the guy playing with her hair. Families and children, hanging around and enjoying the breeze. Tourists snapping pictures of the beautiful scenery non-stop, pointing excitedly at various stuff; people alone, just like me, smoking or having a drink or simply just having some quiet time.

I wonder what those sitting alone were thinking about. I'm sure some might be wondering what I'm thinking about, too.

I sipped my milk tea. It was from the same shop but tasted different somehow.

I guess if you feel down, nothing tastes right.

Watched the passing river taxis, ferrying different types of crowds. Watch the change of patterns of the water ripples. Saw how the water changed from greenish to glistering black as the sun set.

The pubs and eateries across the river were bursting with life, as usual. Reminded me of the wild days of clubbing and instantly I remember the remorse of wasting youth and cash like that. The remorse is so great and I will never allow ugly history to repeat itself.



The breeze was specially comforting. Blew gently on my face, as if, trying to carry my troubles away.

And just as I was enjoying all that was offered to me there....



I was greeted by fireworks...

A beautiful show of a mere few minutes, but really surprised everyone there and instantly you can see everyone's heads tilted up, straightening their backs... to watch the beautiful light formation.

I was glad to see it so clearly on an impromptu manner. Again, it seemed like God's way of trying to cheer me up.

I somehow knew sitting alongside the river would help save my day. Along waters. Why does it work for some people?

Well maybe, it seems like the water carries all your troubles and lets them float away?

Of course, I'll never forget all the times of sitting by the sea and river, since the very first time I experienced it.

Sitting by the waters always have a special effect on me.



It is days like today that I realize, and am reminded about how much a loner I really am.

Seems to have gotten quite bad over the years.



Despite having shorter than short nails, I had them painted blood red. Have been missing my long nails and the colors. Weird but having them manicured today made me feel like woman again. A groomed woman.

I am a lover of red nails because the color is so timeless and definitely a classic.

But I wonder what's the longest I can keep given the fact that I'm learning piano now and it does get in the way.

Speaking of piano, my teacher played me The Comptine song (one I was having for my blog) and it sounded great. Again, I consider that as another gift for today, my down day.

Me and ZQ had our delayed anniversary dinner on Friday night at Charcoal, the shatec students' training place. It's fine dining managed by students. How cute and how fun. The service is tip top - they respond to your every need and every un-need. They are simply too helpful and sometimes it get a little awkward. Food wise I would say it is rather filling and taste - moderate.. Price wise, it is affordable... If you wish to experience some fine dining at a good price try it there.

I've got picts of the food, but it's not really very very nice and frankly I think it's not that it's not nice but more that I am lazy to post.

The sad thing is I didn't even have a good shot of us at the restaurant.

Sigh. Somehow I felt I didn't do justice to the dinner - no couple picts and I asked to go home early after that when I felt very tired and a little unwell all of a sudden. He sent me home and instead of having an early night, there were screw ups at home and before I knew it, I was still up at close to 2am.

I really don't know why I constantly encounter screw ups.

Did I mention that I feel my heart crying but I don't know how to cry it out? Yes I really feel that.

I can no longer describe my inner thoughts fluently either.

Today I let ZQ down by upsetting him, not that I did anything physically but I was feeling down and that affected him.

We didn't meet and phone calls didn't work.

Sometimes, I don't need him to remind me that he is doing his best to pacify me. Sometimes, it's like, 'I know you are doing your best (your best) and I thank you so much but your best doesn't work for me today, unfortunately'.

Do you sometimes feel upset, and nothing, absolutely NOTHING at all can save your day?

It happens to me all the time.

You may be trying your best to comfort me, but it is YOUR best.

There is no right or wrong.

Mum wanted to meet me after piano too and I turned her down... I told her I wanted to be alone.

And that was the same answer given to ZQ.

I just felt so wrong, I couldn't even understand myself today.

It's horrid to feel rotten up till this extend.

I tried to ask myself what the trigger point might be.

Today, I bought Mian Jian Kueh from the famous Tiong Bahru Market stall while having breakfast with my colleagues before work. Brought them to Granny who was delighted and craving for them... I lvoe to see my grandparents happy. The same grandparents who brought me up... who are shrinking in size.

If they are gone one day, how would I feel? I try to visit them as much as I can now... each time I visit them I remember the sweet times as a child, especially, how grandpa would pay special attention to me, the least favored child of the three children...

I also remember what a cry baby I was. I am still now....... Sorry granny, felt your favouritism towards Bro today. Just one thought, just one thought and it brings back ALL THE SHIT.

I know I am disgruntled. I am. But I sometimes don't say it to them for fear that they will again brush it off as a childish act.

No wonder, Grandpa's little acts since I was a child meant so much to me.

Maybe there is no fair or unfair in their dictionary. But I remember so clearly the times throughout my life that I felt unjust.

Siblings celebrate when they see one another getting the good stuff. I really must admit that I feel jealous over some things.

I wish I was the princess.

I look at the way I blog now and suddenly remember all the diaries I used to write!

Burnt them at a certain point of time... can't remember why. Shouldn't have... sigh.

Also wrote alot when I was sad... folded the pages of sad words into planes and flew them out of the window.

Yes I did stuff like that.









Sigh.

Can't expect anyone to understand the complicated persona of mine. How to?

Forgive me.

I am at a loss sometimes. You will know because such a defensive person like me will be speechless when at a loss. Just... kind of lose the fighting spirit of rebarting or explaining. things.







You know, some people don't even know what tears taste like. Salty! Come to think of it, I've cried so much in my 23 years.

I guess, God makes some people more of a cry baby than others.

Back to my Grandparents... As usual, our conversation could not leave Dad and the related family issues.

Maybe, maybe it's the family issues again. The trigger point?

I love and hate my family.

I don't know what to do to please them. I worry about many things that will potentially come true.

I wonder if by then I would be selfish, or a saint.

I really don't know.

Why, why think and worry so much? How much of my life am I missing out already, while I am fretting and frowning?

Time and again, I tried to stop being like this but I failed. Failed miserably. I wish to stop making those who are dear to me (especially ZQ) upset but I still did.

My down times set in without warning and affect me entirely.

It has become so bad in the recent years, I fear of getting depression.

It is so hard for anyone, anyone at all to understand how I truly feel and I am sick of hoping to have someone who will.

Because frankly there is none.

I will have to solve my own problem, and learn not to be like what I am now.