Friday, April 27, 2007

Sometimes I have words and thoughts inside me which have been left untold. Untold because at times, it is suddenly impossible to convey the exact form to anyone, and to have it conveyed badly means the other person would have understood the facts wrongly, and assumed other things.

Haven't you sometimes just gotten sick of trying to get some ideas across, such that you decide to just drop it and forget about even trying? Well, just a passing thought. I don't know why I started the blog like this.

Instead of being in bed now I decided to switch on the computer again, when I've switched it off just ten minutes ago. Seriously, I can't think of anything better to do. I did what I did because I figured that I'll end up tossing and turning in bed. Sometimes I wonder if it is just me, or, this happens to other folks as well? Nights of an extremely active mind.

I must admit that writing here is rather comforting. This place seems to be one fantastic medium to channel pent up emotions. I am not exactly frustrated tonight but maybe, just a little too-filled with thoughts. And if you ask, it's thoughts of all kinds. Thoughts that get me nostalgic, confused, worried, slightly angry, upset... thoughts that get me in a daze, thoughts that, make me forget the routines of my daily life (stuff at work to be done tomorrow, housework piling up, etc) ... I could just, sit at one corner, or, stand against my bedroom window and let my thoughts and emotions rule my mind fully. Tonight, these mixed emotions, though mostly on the negative side, combines into more of a neutral feeling somehow. I can't even describe it properly, but, I am just in a daze... sort of like floating, I am not sleepy, I am not angry, I ended the phone call with my beau because as usual he didn't know what to say and I suddenly don't even feel like sharing the deeper part of my thoughts with him for he seemed so unconcerned somehow.

On nights like this I need something, someone, or somewhere with a rich and clever ability to receive my thoughts.

And all of a sudden I find the answer. With any piece of classic English song playing and typing an entry like this, I feel better already. This is just one of the ways, I know.

F.Y.I, I don't really think I've found anyone who can get me out of this ocassional mood defect which I've encountered for years. I recall that most of the time when the defect happens, I, myself and I am the answer and the cure. Either I indulge in a solitary time at home, or I leave the house and hit the streets alone, with my music.

I don't know about you, but it works for me. I know during an emotional defect a group of chattering friends will put me off. 'Me' time works for me. Because you don't have to even trouble your mind to think of how to tell your friends, just, be alone and BE ALONE, to cool down and think things through carefully with no any outer distractions, whatsoever.

Alone time really works.

In other words, I need to be alone during these times. I think my emotions are just too hard for anyone to understand.

Before I end this entry, just want to say that I wish to be truly happy. I know I've hoped for this for countless times. Sometimes, something feels missing and not right - which contibute to me not being truly happy. I wonder, what are the things bugging me?

Or as the saying goes, be contented and you will find peace and happiness. Perhaps I'm not that great to be able to be content with what I already have now. If I was, I know I would be very happy now because frankly I don't think my life is THAT. Think of the poor, think of the disabled. I think some of their will to live is even stronger than mine, and I am ashamed to say that.

For now, not only am I trying to be a better girlfriend, I'm also trying to learn to be contented with my life. Would you support me, my friend, or oversome it along with me, if you're also in my shoes?

I love ya all, but I am trying to love myself wholeheartedly first. Tell you about my esteem issues another time.