Monday, June 04, 2007

"Before I really knew Vonx, I admired her alot. (Not that I don't now.) I always like her to have her own piece of mind, style and character. She never seems to be easily influenced by others, quite unlike me then."

Extracted from Ling's. Dear Ling, I must say that I was rather amused when I read that para.

Someone admires me.

How could that be? Me? I am simply one with low self-esteem, a constantly unhappy girl with a load of pessimism on her back. Shit at home as always, gone through some bad relationship shit as well, and had a not-so-good job history.

With this example, I conclude that probably, those guys and gals I've once felt jealous of may not be as perfect as in my eyes.

It is definitely possible to hide your flaws and unhappiness wonderfully behind a smiling face.

Not that I've hidden anything much, I was never a smiley girl to begin with. But I know that in the past I've tried to.

But as time goes by, it gets harder.

These days and nights, I am frowning and sighing so much more. Helplessly, the real emotions surface from within. The emotions don't show up modestly but rather, take over my face greedily. These days, I admit, that I am showing too much of my emotions. My colleagues, who see me everyday, know it best. I find it hard to have the effort to hide my unhappiness anymore. I am listless, unhappy and it is not hard to decipher from my face that I am sometimes sick and tired of living.

I am sinned for saying that, knowing that many others who are worst off would wish so hard to trade places with me. But I am being very honest that I sometimes feel so aimless and simply just, sick and tired.

I cannot even find any appropriate word to describe how I feel.

During those down days like tonight, I am unconsolable.

I hate to be so negative, and I cannot help it. I've tried, to cheer up, to think other things, to distract myself, but it just doesn't work.

I am happy too, from time to time. I must not forget to include the fact that I've had great times with friends and loved ones too. But as much as I hate to admit it, the happiness never lasts long. What made me so negative? Is it the way my life turned out? 又或许是个很简单的道理：我不懂得知足常乐, 其实一切并非我想象的差，只是我想太多了。


I used to dream and get so excited from a beautiful future I think I would have, and have so many mental notes and plans of what to do and where to go. But sadly, these beautiful dreams are fading one by one.

I am starting to, instead, think of it as, "if it happens, fine, if not, then be it...".

I am jealous of people around me (I am judging again, am I not?), who have nice families, easy, lovely lives with little problems and of course, all the good luck. I am envious, they seem to have a clear direction of where they're going, and it seems that all will be right for them in life. I do understand the fact that you need to work hard to get somewhere. I'm envious about the part as to how some people succeed so easily, like, in a way, everything is smooth for them. I am a failure for I try to solve my exisitng problems but I've failed so terribly.

Is it true like how people always say, that maybe we've done alot of bad stuff in the past and now, we're bound to pay back?

It is absurb to a certain extend but I sometimes believe it. Self-consolation, perhaps?




I love my blog. I love this place. On nights like this when talking to no one works, this place works so well.

I write, and I play tracks from the piano music folder.

Now it is James Horner's Titanic. I remember the movie, just like all of the romance novels I've read, and dream about being in the endless romantic situations. When I am fed up with life I sometimes like to indulge myself in unreal spaces as such.

It works so wonderfully for me.

I indulge in it so much I forget the real world. I am not thinking about anything much and my mind floats away.

I am such a lonely soul. Not that I don't have my family and friends, but, I just love being alone so much sometimes.

Why? Simply because I can fully relax, let all my defences down, not having to worry whether or not I communicate the right ideas across to anyone if I talk. I can just keep my mouth shut, and enter into the secret dimension that only I have access to.

Though I fear too much of this might lead to some mental problems. I wonder, am I the only one who behaves like this?