Friday, May 25, 2007

Hi my dear readers... what an unhappy week it's been for me, and I wonder, how was yours?

I have so much on my mind, and though I've been filling some of my friends and close ones in with the on-goings for the past few days, I haven't really talked to anyone with a good sequence, in other words, told anyone everything.

I am on sick leave today, I wonder if everything's taken a toll on me. I have been suffering from headaches and dizzy spells since the quarrel that day. I've been having restless nights. I wouldn't say that I am a strong person at all. If I were, why this just a bit of setback made me ill and dejected? On the other hand, I wonder, if this is considered 'just a little setback'? I can't quite convince myself which is true.

Sigh. I feel so dejected, I feel tired of feeling this way. Of the years I've been on this earth, I've had too much of feeling this way. Who can understand this complex inner world of mine? As I've ever blogged before... I even am sick of trying to express to others, to express... how I feel. Maybe I think I'm using the right words to express myself, but perhaps, they are taking it with nothing but misunderstanding...

Can't seem to lift my chin up... can't seem to cheer up.

At work, I think I was a tad affected after Matthew said I more on the artistic side, and it was made worst after having a conversation with Joanne, my marketing manager, who told me to think about what I really want to do in my life, because, life slips past us faster than we can imagine. Is it so obvious that I have been misplaced in the aspect of work? I think it is. Just like what Jean wrote in her recent post about finding what we really like.

Joanne told me rather harshly to stop procrastinating. But is it really that easy Joanne? I would have loved to study what I loved to. Enough said, the unfavourable situation aside, maybe I'm just not working and trying hard enough but instead, just sitting there and whining, telling myself that I can't do it. And the fact that my 23rd Birthday just passed, I am sort of shaken awake that I am fast reaching 30. As each birthday passes, I get more and more tensed up, especially when I feel I haven't progressed any much further since my graduation some years back...

My good friend Ling isn't doing very well too, with all the mess she's facing in all aspects of her life. She mentioned, if we were to hang out too much, we'd probably pop some pills one fine night, and bid this world goodbye...

Ling, I agree too, and I told her how shitty it is that we can never be happy for long. It is not that our life is so bad, there are so many more people far, far worse off than us who would trade places with usng, but then again, our lives could have been a hell lot better too. In other words, it is neither here nor there, and more on the negative side.

It is probably our character and the truth that luck is not on our side.

I've mingled with many people and though they aren't putting in much effort, they are having better lives. Tong ren bu tong ming.

So why do people come and tell us that we're not trying hard enough?

Bottomline is, no matter what I do I can't seem to feel happy. I can't really hunt for the type of job I want because firstly, I don't have the paper qualifications and this is the real world and secondly, I don't have the support. I do not hate my current job but face it, it's not my interest. Go study what I like, then. I don't have the money. How about being selfish and earning to fund my studies? No I can't, too. Because I have my family to think for, and I'm not earning alot. As much as the job and education thing bothers me, I try not to think about it because I know there's nothing much I can do with all the financial constraints now. And with my Dad's condition getting worst, I anticipate having to contribute more. Yes I try not to think about it. But with my colleagues emphasizing on the fact, I feel worst; considering that I'm the sort with such pessimistic mindset, just a comment on their part channels to something much worse. Highlights the fact that I'm just deceiving myself that I love my job.

With Dad's unacceptable attitude which I have been facing for years, I find it harder to want to contribute to him. If shit is what I am getting, should I be selfish instead? I am not such an angel to still be a fantastic daughter, against all odds, despite all the bad treatment. There are people who are so great, I applaud them, but not all can be such. I think I have already done my part, at least I am not a spoilt spendthrift daughter who enjoys all day and gives no shit about the household.

Feeling down all of the time, and I am 23 but look and feel so damn much more. Why is it I feel unhappy and sigh all the time? the job thing has been bothering me for a while and with the recent family prob? Just makes things worst. The air around me is dead and I can't seem to lift my spirits up; and if I manage to, it never lasts for long.

Which child wouldn't automatically care for his/her parents when they are sick? Dad, if you are behaving in this way, I am sorry to tell you that enough is enough. I was never close to you since young and anyway you've never wanted me in the first place (I remember Mum said it out in a slip of tongue). So much about sons over daughters, then, go to your sons now. Despite all the blues, I've done my part for the family. Not fantastically but can't you see that I tried?

With this unhappiness I face I know I've somehow had a thought sunken inside me - that is to get married. But for what? For love? Or to escape? Today I woke up thinking if I've been fair to ZQ, for saying that I want to get married. I think I should stop saying it. It is not like marriage brings no problems. It has its fair share... and to escape with marriage is truly childish, and irresponsible. Wake up, Yvonne. I must be honest to admit that I haven't found much comfort in ANYONE at all this whole week. Not even ZQ... Not even my grandparents - I thought I was close to my gramps... but in the end? Sigh.

Bro tells me they would never do without me in the house; who would do all the chores and all that? Sometimes I feel that I've had enough. I should be having a nice time like all other 23 year old ladies, feeding my girlie youth, catching up with advanced education. Everyone tells me I look matured for my age and I wonder if they know why? Then there comes the controversy of how I'm better off than most people. Yes, as the saying goes, 'could be better, could be worst'.

When I was on half day to go back to NYP on Wed (went to collect some payment records), of all places, of all timing, I bumped into my ex. Not that it was as bad as last time when I hadn't put everything behind me, but I was wondering, why the coincidence? It was the working hours and I took half day at the last minute. And again, all the past flew right back into my mind. Maybe it was because I bumped into him in an oh so familiar environment. Whatever it is, that was the place we started and hence the emotions. And I am once again reminded that not what you think will happen will surely happen. Life is simply unpredictable. In the campus, it was very very crowded, with all the noisy and fashionable students. I couldn't help but to recall my poly days. I never imagined that life would be like this then.

After typing so much, I feel a little better, and I hope to be able to accept these dents in life because I know that there will be much more hurdles in life. I guess, sSome things are just like that and one has got to accept them. I need a little more energy and spirit to move forward and maybe, getting away would do me some good.

And I wish the rest of you well. I hope the next time you visit this page I'm all good.