Wednesday, May 23, 2007

...is my father like this? Maybe it's better if all of us go separate ways.

Perhaps, the years of verbal threats will be coming true, very, very soon.

Perhaps, my mentality of keeping my personal belongings to the minimal, so it will be easier to move, is one good mentality.

Perhaps it's true that I've been using the excuse of wanting to get married soon to escape from my father, who is now, not even powerful in terms of health or wealth (not even ONE bit), but strangely, instills so much of fear in me. Logically he is powerless against me but I fear him even more. I wonder why.

I am frightened when I talk to him, I am afraid to look at him. I am not relaxed when at home, I feel the nervous if he calls my name, not knowing what he wants. My heart beats rapidly when he does call me name.

Suddenly, today, I feel extremely dejected. Not that I was never in this state, but today, it is one of the worst. And also as usual, I am having these horribly mixed feelings. I am neither cruel enough to not give a damn AT ALL, nor am I angelic enough to accept him and forget all that he has done.

I am caught in between. I am not that great, to let bygones be bygones, just like what tens and thousands of folks have told me to.

I can only tell them that they are not getting the full story. At first I try to explain to them what the real situation is but now, I'm just tired. Infact I am, we are, sick of what outsiders think of us. As being heartless and all. We are all tired. For we have been living in emotional torment for too long.

I have never been truly happy. Because, the most important thing in one's life, aside from one's life, is his/her family, which mine has been rather fake and problemetic since a long long time ago.

Much of which, caused by my father.

I know people will tell me to cherish my father else I would probably regret in future.

The problem is, things are so bad. I don't know how to start to cherish him.

I am only 23 but I feel so tired. I curled up in bed and cried all night yesterday wondering why this family thing never resolves. When I see other happy families, I wish mine was like that...

If we had been so cruel, wouldn't we have left him years, years ago? Mum is and has been suffering the most...

Maybe, the end will come soon...