Tuesday, April 01, 2008

It was a hell weekend... Dad's in hospital again...

This time around, he ain't having it easy.... neither are we... the vicious cycle is proving to be more detrimental than ever... this may be the end of a 'laugh it off affair' for him, the end of a 'not again' thing for us. When I say 'end', it could well be the end... I'm sorry for my awful pessimism, you would only understand if you were in my shoes.

Right now, we're sort of taking it a day at a time. What could I, what could, we do? There is really nothing much we can do now... I'm so confused.

We knew this was coming, but this soon, we don't expect.

Family is so important... I don't think I could have done this alone. Why haven't I toughened up these 11 years? Or have I, somehow, somewhere, but still don't feel it is enough? Friends, tell me, have I learnt? Have I toughened up? Console me.

Maybe, this is the start of a nightmare, or, the start of a new life. What did the violent white cat in my dream on the 1st night of hell, signify?

I takes every incident that happens to remind me, how many years have passed me by, how many years of HELL we've lived in.

I do not know what the book of fate laid down for us, it is currently close to the final straw, the part with us waiting eagerly, for the moment of truth to be (painfully?) revealed.

I don't really think any words in the dictionary can describe the roller coaster ride of emotions I experienced this weekend, till now. It is a mixture of anger, of fear, of disappointment, guilt, and fear all ovr again.

I would have to admit that fear overtakes most of the other emotions. Why? I don't know. Maybe I'm just weak.

Please give me the strength to pull through this...