Monday, October 13, 2008

I think of Grandpa and his efforts that miserably lacked recognition, during his years of drawing - in a job that was possibly his longest and only since he came to Singapore in the 40s.

Today, another colleague, while fiddling with one of my latest packagings (courtesy of Yim), casually asked again why I am not moving on to do something arty, something that obviously seems to suit me better. She isn't the first to tell me these things. I feel so ashamed that after so many years, my ears are still hearing persuasion from people, and the worst part infact, is hearing from myself again and again and yet, my body is unmoved - I am still here, still, me, still doing nothing.

And as she spoke on, I was partially listening, while another part of my mind visualized myself doing something arty as a career, finally, satisfying my most inner desires.

But circumstances present themselves and it is not always easy for one to be selfish and care for him or herself only. Or am I not determined enough? Are these excuses?

But there is nothing to hide. You should already know my situation and now, the recession that has hit Singapore. If there's a bad time to move on, this will be it. I hope that the gloomy economy picks up and that I can still keep my two jobs.

It only gets harder as the years go by. Why didn't I feel these tensions when I was 19, or 20, when I had a little bit more time? Was it because I was too lost in that stage of my life, when alot happened unexpectedly?

With a neither here nor there age now I only fear that I will drift further and further and lose the chances or tiny bits of hope, eventually.

On Saturday night, the day after I had the runs, I went to take a peek at my packaging and suddenly I'm overwhelmed and imagined burning all of my collections in a fire. Nice stuff collected over the past 10 years, to be reduced to ashes. But of course I didn't do that, because if I did it is confirmed that I'm dying (people tend to do strange things before they (plan to) die). I just wonder what gave me the sudden 'imagination' of burning everything up.

I remember the days in HK and I miss the busy streets and 'clutter' of the city. Each time I see a fellow HK colleague's signature I reminise the hustle and bustle of Tsim Sha Tsui and Mongkok. Shopping there is crazy.

Hopefully, I will carry my trusty notebook and jot down all the fun from the upcoming KL trip. Shall comb Sungei Wang Plaza, Lot 10, Bukit Bintang Plaza and Berjaya Times Square with my girls (hopefully they can stand my madness). These places I vaguely remember as the 'hot' shopping destinations from my last trip more than 3 years ago.

For 2009, as much as I know skies are gray, I seem to still be able to smell at least a western country (with my Kris) and a shopping place (with the rest).

I hope I can...