Saturday, April 05, 2008

Hi everyone... really sorry for the brief disappearance... it's been a really hectic and down week with all that had happened. I wanna thank all my lovely friends for the care and concern showered; I really really appreciate it. Please don't worry, I'm okay, and I will convince myself more that we've all got to learn to accept whatever happens in life. Big hugs for showing so much concern...

For now, there hasn't been much progress and things seem to be at a standstill. But we more or less know what the future plans would be. As Bro mentioned, our lives would probably change from now on. It feels a little strange with Dad out of the house. ! would say that it is relief, in a peculiar way. But still, the phantom feeling of him still exists, very strongly.

How would you feel if the simple action of going home every single day is a stressful one? How would you feel if you have an 'unpredictable' and 'nervous' feeling each time you're standing outside the door, trying to open the door? How would you feel if you wake up everyday in your bed wondering, 'what will happen, today'? Is a home supposed to bring about such emotions? That's how I've been feeling for the past decade.

On top of that I see my dad everyday, feeling that somehow, someday, something negative will finally surface. I did all I could with the most that I could ever feel for him, as a daughter.

But I could never go the extra, unconditional mile because of the very very tall wall we have in between - the result of what happened in the past.

No matter how hard I tried, that was the furthest I could go. I've been told that guilt should be the last thing I should experience now but this guilt still lingers. It's times like this that tells me straight in the face that blood is utimately thicker than water.

You can't deny it, can you? You can bury yourself from the world and run far far away but it is a feeling that will haunt you wherever you will go.

All these years of stress... have made me what I am today. All these things that happen make my life seem so unpredictable. I used to, and still am, asking myself when is the end to all these? I'm already 24... I can't believe how many years of the shit my family have went through. As I recall some of the specific life events we've had, I feel extremely AMAZED, like, did we actually go through that?

For the happy ones, really, you should cherish your sweet home. And for me, I will learn to cherish that I STILL have a home. for what matters is being contented, isn't it?. It's a widely preached phrase but so hard to practise right?

The week passed me by just like this, and I certainly hope for a stronger me, in time to come.